Log in

Scenes From An Epic
20 most recent entries

Date:2009-06-06 05:46
Subject:the saga continues.
Mood: tired

I'm A Man

Today I...
Went to work.
Called a stranger an idiot.
Drove 87 in a 40.
Chose not to shower.
Played the guitar.
Ate pizza.
Played a baseball video game.
Watched Illinois Tollway at the Pub.
Watched Kirkland at Two Fools.
Watched Illinois Tollway and Edna's VD at the Pub.
Went to a party.
Purchased 48 cans of Bud Light for fifteen dollars.
Assembled a tent in a spare bedroom.
Witnessed Mikey Eff being left on the interstate outside of Ladd.
Watched SportsCenter.

I'm A Man

(3 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-06-04 23:56

I'm A Man.

Today I...
Went to work.
Ate a cheeseburger.
Installed a new computer monitor.
Played guitar.
Used hand tools.
Used power tools.
Discussed baseball.
Watched Seinfeld.
Played a basketball video game.
Held batting practice at the tennis courts.
Played a hockey video game.

I'm A Man.

(1 inspiration | inspire me)

Date:2009-06-03 23:13
Subject:new deal

I'm A Man.

Today I...
Put on something nice to wear.
Ate turkey, bacon and a lot of cheese.
Talked about blue chip investments.
Listened to Lamb of God.
Played the guitar.
Played a hockey video game.
Ate pizza.
Played a football video game.
Worked out.
Played a basketball video game.
Smashed a video game controller.
Watched Rocky Balboa.
...for the second time this week.

I'm A Man.

(2 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-05-10 01:07
Subject:it's because i'm fat.

I'll drink tequila instead of water cause I can't stand to be sober in this place.

If I could dunk like LeBron James... I could... impress a lot of people.
And by people I mean the four grade school kids and the three geriatrics that pass by my house in the late afternoon while I'm shooting hoops. Fuck it, I bet none of them would even care. Everyone's an asshole. I should be the King.

I missed the rummage sale for the first time in a long time.
I hope it was worth it.


It's hard to type. God bless "Backspace."

Can't sleep. Won't eat. Can listen to music. Will pee every twenty minutes.
I won't spell check this because I'm a cocky son-of-a-bitch. You hear me?

I have to get out of Oglesby. I have to get the fuck out of my head. Go to a place where the trees don't grow. A place where bad thoughts can dissipate. I have to refill my glass. I have to replace this bottle. My throat is on fire and my head is in knots, but it's the burning in my eyes that I can't shake.

I hear what you say, but I won't be here for twenty five.
I say I hear what you say, but do you get my drift.
I won't be here for twenty five.

Curse me out in free verse/Wrap me up and reverse this/Patience is a virtue/Until it's silence burns you/And something slow/Has started in me as/Shameless as an ocean/Mirrored in devotion

(4 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-04-30 04:31
Mood: blah


Dumb x 100.

But Ballz does suck.

(3 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-04-19 20:44


(7 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-04-09 20:51
Subject:situations are situated

I used to think that Twitter was stupid. I still do for the most part. If I twittered it would be dumb. If my friends twittered it would be dumb. But when Sylvester Stallone or Mustache! or Eric Roberts twitters... it's just plain awesome. Why would I not want to hear about the Expendables while it's being filmed? Why would I not want to know about how much Mustache! loves fried chicken and bacon? Why am I not in Mustache!? That's the real question.

Baseball season has begun. I don't really care. 162 games is too many. I like to focus on the rest of the basketball year and pretend that MLB begins in June. It's much easier that way.

Some thoughts:
-Issue Two of Locale is close to complete and most likely will be the end of it. No one helps. Many people claim that they will help, but then they don't. Oh well, I was surprised I even finished one issue, let alone two.
-Microwave Massacre is a piece of shit. But at the same time, I can't help but wonder if it's really just the best movie ever. It might be.
-Everyone wants the Godfather's car because it belongs to the Godfather.
-The Rhythm City Casino is the place for me. Yes, I would like free soda and nickel slots. Took me over two hours to blow ten bucks.
-All basketball hoops should be on a tilt.
-I never used my happy/mad face in a real life situation before. I only busted it out when Amandasaurus requested it. It's not the type of facial maneuvering that comes naturally. Until the other week that is. I'm pretty sure it appeared on my face when I heard that the Bears did indeed trade Kyle Orton for Jay Cutler.
-Let's Go Bulls!

later kids

(3 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-27 00:11
Subject:jesus fucking christ.

Let's go Bulls.

(1 inspiration | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-26 18:50
Subject:stormin' norman

Forty eight minutes of intensity.

(2 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-25 06:04
Subject:I wish the PG movies of today were still like this one.
Mood: pleased

Part II


The Day: February 9th, 2009
The Film: Tourist Trap (1979)
The Details: USA, 90 minutes
The Monster of Choice: Telekinetic loner with a split personality
The Director: David Schmoeller
The Stars: Chuck Connors, Jocelyn Jones, Robin Sherwood, Tanya Roberts
The Snack: Nachos

A car full of nubile teenagers falls victims to a "middle-of-nowhere" flat tire. Mr. Six Pack decides to push the flat tire to the nearest gas station while the other passengers hop in their friends' car to wait. Don't ask me why they didn't drive the tire to the nearest gas station. Woody, or Mr. Six Pack, finds his end at the station at the hands of some seemingly telekinetic mannequins. It is frightening. Eventually the rest of the gang decides to go looking for him and they wind up at Slausens' Lost Oasis, an old school house of wax roadside attraction that is out of business. Now we can let the fun start. Mr. Slausen has a slew of these "wax" mannequins that he says were made by his brother Davey. People die, but everything isn't quite as it seems at the Lost Oasis.

This is a fantastic low-budget classic from the early days of Full Moon. How David Schmoeller turned into the fuck that created the Puppet Master series and then beat that horse to death over and over I'll never know. I only wish Full Moon could have built itself from the quality here instead of keeping the theme of mannequins and dolls and forgetting about everything else.

The music by Pino Donaggio (during his best years when he worked with De Palma)
Beautiful babies in beautiful bathing suits
Crazy fucking mannequins
Dr. Pepper vending machine
Creepy Robert Goulet looking mask
"We are going to have a paaarrty!"
Real dough to simulate plaster
Chuck Connors' performance

"A Charles Band Production"
Skinny dipping, but no party hats
Tanya Roberts' acting
Creepier looking Linda Evans mask
Jocelyn Jones vaguely resembled Angela Hancock (YOU!?!?!)
The Hallway scene. Duh. Seriously?

Overall: 7.7/10.0

Eileen: “These tourist traps are all alike. They give you a big build up, and when you get there it’s nothing but a roadside trap with a bunch of cheap trinkets.”

(2 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-25 04:54
Subject:woof woof motherfucker
Mood: thirsty

Oh man. It's only February and I've gotten way behind in 4M chronicling. In my defense... I've been busy. Mostly with the first issue of the Locale reboot. I'm hoping to have it done by this weekend, but we'll see. I've got about 23 pages right now and need to at least hit the 28 mark to match the Locales of yesteryear. Anyways, I have three reviews to type up. Let's get started.


The Day: February 16th, 2009
The Film: The Breed (2006)
The Details: USA, 87 minutes
The Monster of Choice: Dogs, very mad dogs
The Director: Nicholas Mastandrea
The Stars: Michelle Rodriguez, Taryn Manning, Eric Lively, Hill Harper
The Snack: Papa John's Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza

Brothers John and Matt inherit an old family vacation home on an empty island and decide to bring some friends along for a good time. Sara is bitten by a dog on their first night there and the next day they see a strange man attacked and killed by dogs before being attacked themselves. It's not until this point that the brothers remember that there used to be a facility somewhere on the island for training dogs that was apparently shutdown to avoid a rabies outbreak. It's now man and woman versus killer dog with every standard plot twist you could think of.

So yes, the story is bad, but they did a pretty decent job of putting the movie together. It keeps good pace and on occasion they were able to actually make a pack of german shepherds looks scary.

Bikini Babe
Ravenous dog
Taryn Manning not playing a druggie, but still being a druggie
Longest zipline ever
Merry-go-Round in a front yard
Taryn Manning
Shooting your friend in the leg with an arrow on accident
Olympic swim race against dogs
Killing dogs with baseball bats
Two story double species impalement
Unnecessarily jumping the car off the dock

Margarhita song
Cliche heaven
Doggy sense
Cell phones amazingly can hook up to a radio antenna with ease
Surprise ending

Overall: 5.2/10.0


Nicki: "Give Cujo my best."

(4 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-10 01:22
Subject:john cusack and strippers.
Mood: hopeful


The Day: February 9th, 2009
The Film: Nightmare Castle (1965)
          aka Amanti d'oltretomba, Gli
                aka Lovers from Beyond the Tomb
      aka Night of the Doomed
      aka Orgasmo
      aka The Faceless Monster
The Details: Italy, 90 minutes
The Monster of Choice: Mad, sadistic scientist; Dead, unfaithful wife
The Director: Mario Caiano
The Stars: Barbara Steele, Paul Muller, Helga Liné

Dr. Stephen Arrowsmith is a wealthy count with a beautiful wife named Muriel. Unfortunately Muriel is not as faithful as he would like her to be. One fateful night he catches her whoring it up with David and he captures the pair and chains them up in his castle. Dr. Arrowsmith proceeds to torture and murder the unfaithful pair and then removes their hearts before burning the bodies. Years later the count remarries, but his new wife begins experiencing nightmares and ghost hauntings. The dead have returned to exact their revenge and will do so as long their hearts are alive.

I chose this movie for two main reasons. Number one, the score was created by none other than Ennio Morricone. Number two, it stars the sultry Barbara Steele in dual roles as both Muriel and Jenny Arrowsmith. The movie starts and ends well but it becomes very dull throughout the exposition in the middle when Jenny first begins to be haunted. It does, though, stand out from other similar films from the 50s and 60s because of its superb ability to create a hectic, creepy atmosphere. Also, Barbara and Helga Liné are drop dead gorgeous.

Beautiful Babies
1960s electrocution effects

Terrible English dub
The DVD was apparently transferred from a broken VHS tape
Paul Muller's teeth

Overall: 6.7/10.0


Dereck: "Don't worry Jenny, now all of your nightmares are over and done with forever."

Bonus review coming tomorrow: Tourist Trap (1979)

(4 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-06 00:44
Subject:the world according to me.
Mood: okay

1. I love T.N.T Thursday night basketball even with Charles Barkley sidelined due to being a man. A man that drinks, drives and then tells officers that his plan was to simply drive around the block to pick up some hookers and go to his hotel. Like I said, a man. But mostly, I absolutely love EJ's Neat-O Stat-O-the-Night sponsored by no one. I also cannot wait for All-Star weekend.

2. I am on a HUGE Mountain Dew kick right now.

3. I have done a lot of work and may have tracked down access to an uncut copy of La Noche de los Gatos. The Holy Grail of 4M is so close to returning to its true promised land.

4. Have you seen the infomercials for the new Snuggie blanket? I know you have; they have been playing constantly for about two months and they have put me on suicide watch. Honestly, what the fuck? Are people this lame? Let's take a look at the poem they made for the commercial:

"You want to keep warm when your feeling chilled
Nut you don't want to raise your heating bill.
Blankets are okay but they can slip and slide
When you need to reach for something your hands are trapped inside.

Now theres the Snuggie, the blanket that has sleeves.
The Snuggie keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands.
So now you can work the remote or read a book in total warmth and comfort.
Use your laptop without being cold or enjoy a snack while being snuggly warm."

Great. I use a blanket each and every day while I live on my couch in my cold basement. It doesn't slip and slide. I don't see how it could. Why would a blanket move around, are people performing Broadway acts underneath them? If they were, a Snuggie still wouldn't help because it will slip and slide right off of their legs. Next, do blankets really trap your hands inside? No. It's nice, actually. I can keep my hand under the blanket and keep them warm until I need them. My body temperature amazingly does not drop twenty degrees when I take my arms out to reach for something either. With a Snuggie your hands are stuck in the cold. you can't reach underneath the blanket because your arms are strained into the sleeves protruding from your chest.

I constantly work a remote, read books, use my laptop (duh) and eat plenty of snacks while under my blanket. I am also very warm.
Later in the commercial it mentions how it can cover you from head to toe.
"No more cold feet!"
Blankets come in large sizes. I am 6'2" and my feet are covered and then some. Next they discuss how you can walk around in a Snuggie. I can drape my blanket over my shoulders and walk around completely covered. A snuggie will only cover you in the front. There is no wrapping due to the restrictions cause from having your arms in the sleeves. Will your back side not get cold? (It will).

Finally, the advertisement claims that the Snuggie is "perfect for chilly outdoor evenings and staying cozy and warm at sporting events." Fucking for real? It's called a coat. Buy one and fuck off.

The Snuggie Blanket:
Not to be confused with the Snuggie Stable Blanket:

5. I read some disappointing news today that put me in a down mood. Well, the news combined with my entire current life situation. Earlier tonight, though, I was listening to music on my computer at random. There are around 2,300 albums of music available for this random mix. Within a five song span at one point I heard two Reel Big Fish songs: Beer and I'll Never Be. It's quite some time since I have listened to the Fish or most any ska at that. It put a new twist on my feelings over the news. It made me rethink the whole point of music and why my friends and I play it. Now I'm ready for action.

6. The Locale is back, or at least will be back very soon. Look for it, contribute to it, put your thoughts in places other than LiveJournal.

7. Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D is insanely painful to watch, but an awesome experience that I have been wanting for probably 11 years. I think I will buy the two disc Jason Voorhees documentary release and redeem the free ticket to the F13 remake.

8. Stay tuned for the start of my reviews of all frozen and other pre-prepared pizzas.

later kids

Everybody's lookin' at me
Thought by now I'd be on MTV
Or a magazine like Seventeen or Rolling Stone
And I won't be alone with your
Money in my pocket and face on your T-shirt yeah
I'll never be... a rock and roll star
I'll never be... anything, anything at all

(9 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-02-03 13:04
Subject:breaking the rules.
Mood: devious


The Day: February 2nd, 2009
The Film: Skinned Deep (2004)
The Details: USA, 97 minutes
The Monster of Choice: Human-based, test-tube created, backwoods family
The Director: Gabe Bartalos
The Stars: Forrest J Ackerman, Warwick Davis, Jay Dugre's package

The Rockwells are on their way to a very educational vacation when a blow-out causes them to stop off at a smalltown diner to find for help.
What they really find is Granny and an invitation to her house where her 'brother' can fix their van. This naive family stumbles down the hill to
the run down house where they will all be slashed apart during dinner by the Surgeon General. All for Tina. The Brain love Tina and doesn't allow her to die. Instead she is boarded up in a room all alone while the Brain courts her. From there it's a battle between senior citizen bikers and this backwoods family with Tina in the middle.

Skinned Deep has plenty of terrific moments, usually in relation to the make-up or special effects. The rest (dialogue, acting, sets, audio, direction, etc.), though, is shit.

Drinking PBR while driving
Getting super excited about a Super Nintendo that is not hooked up and has no game cartridges in sight
The Brain's musical theme by Captain Sensible
Puke scene that breaks the fourth wall
Metal jaws
Plate throwing (as well as Plates himself)
Body splitting
Huge external brains
Strangling cats
The Brain's balls
The crunching sound of metal jaws biting off human fingers
Exploding heads
Exploding heart camera
SHAKES and everything about him
Head removal, drinking of blood, kicking of decapitated head
The Creator, DYNO-MITE!!
Body melt

The first five and a half minutes
The music by David Davidson
Linda Weinrib looks like Lisa Lampanelli
The blown out tire on the van which did not exist in any of the external shots of the van as it swerved off the road
Some idiot actually had "SD" burned into their skin
The Brain's dick
The shitty Sean Connery accent used by The Creator
Tina clearly wearing protective goggles while smashing up The Creator's lair
Worst. Kick. Ever.
Screaming "NO!" throughout the credits

Overall: 5.9/10.0

Tina: You wont stop killing?
The Brain: I can't stop killing.

(5 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-01-27 03:26
Subject:CP Ridiculous
Mood: awake


The Day: January 26th, 2009
The Film: Let the Right One In (Låt den rätte komma in)(2008)
The Details: Sweden, 114 minutes
The Monster of Choice: Vampire
The Director: Tomas Alfredson
The Stars: Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson

It's October, 1981, and Oskar is 12 years 8 months and some change. He lives a typical school boy life in Sweden: Lives in an apartment with his mom, gets harassed at school, is whipped (literally) by his classmates, and has his trousers stuffed into a urinal during gym class. He's lonely. One night, in the snow-covered play area outside his home he meets an equally lonesome 12 year old ("more or less"). Only she's alone for a whole other reason. It's cold, dark, quiet and wonderfully paced.

    Little vampires (not to be confused with Little Monsters)
    Clash poster in background
    Bloody snow
    Morse code (reminds me of ID4)
    Frozen corpse
    Rubik's cube
    Acid-induced facial melting
    Theme song performed on classical guitar
    Killer kitties reminiscent of La Noche de los Mil Gatos
    Best underwater scene, ever
    Blood red background during credits

    Subtitles probably only 88% correct
    Movie title is a refererence to the Morrissey song "Let the Right One Slip In"
    Morse code (nerds)

Overall: 9.4/10.0

Eli: You have to invite me in.
Oskar: What happens if I don't? What happens if you walk in anyway?

(14 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2009-01-19 10:15
Subject:always was.
Mood: blank

holy shit!!! forty three weeks without a post!! i remember the days when i would post forty entries a month. actually, i don't, but if i wanted to i could look in my archives and vividly remember them.

it's a new year and i'd like to think that i will use this more often to post random thoughts that mean nothing, but most likely i won't log in again until march.

my job hunt has been utterly useless. i'm beginning to wonder when i will crack and open up to working in other parts of the country (a.k.a. washington dc). i have a feeling it's coming soon. after that fails and i am still unemployed then i am going to go with my ultimate back-up and franchise a sonic in the illinois valley. hopefully put don traeger out of business in the process.

MLK Jr. Day = NBA basketball all day starting in two hours = Awesome.

i remember when i went to high school. old st. bede academy. we were the only area school that did not get off for mlkj day. it's because we did not allow blacks in our school. that's not true. probably. the fact was in the eight years combined that my sister and i spent there... there was never a black student. that's only one reason why that place is a shithole, though.

-the spicy italian is a wonderful subway sandwich that i have overlooked for five years.
-la noche de los gatos is a dream. a wonderful dream.
-if the big ten network continues to play the rotel commercial 50 times during every broadcasted sporting event i will kill myself.
-my bloody valentine 3-d is a respectable remake. kudos patrick lussier, i almost forgive you for your previous sins.
-no i don't.
-nothing can redeem your dracula trilogy and valentine.

MZ, hope you're rockin' in the next world; we'll miss you.

(5 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2008-03-10 00:09
Subject:Pizza on my mind.

Starbusters. DeKalb, IL. Quite possibly one of the dumbest bars I've ever been in. Not the dirtiest, or smallest or least welcoming to rock 'n' roll. Just the dumbest. Lame. Standard. Virtual Bags. Unnecessary.

After the set I found it wholly necessary to wonder off in search of pizza before the Pimps got down to bringing the pain. Luckily for me Huskies Pizza was only a shade south of the bar. I walked over and saw they were in the process of closing even though their closing time was 3:00 a.m. and it was only midnight.

Good spirits were in the air because the gentlemen inside offered me up a slice of pie on the house while they finished cleaning up. I took up a table next to the window and while the manager locked the door. He told me to go ahead and let myself out when I was done because they would be in back.


It came screaming from the edge of the parking lot.
I looked up to see a large (drunk) creature barreling over the 3 foot wall of snow piled at the end of the sidewalk.


He continued to yell while running for the pizza shop. Apparently his hunger sensors were all over the early closing tonight. He knew his time was running short. Then the obvious happened. He hit the ice patch. There was no way he couldn't; it was huge and even I had to carefully glide across it on my journey. His head hit the ground first and his body rolled over itself, but this would not be enough to stop Eater X Jr. Immediately he picked himself up and started sprinting again.


He hit the door head on and knocked with a furious panic. The managers were in back and he was out of luck. Too bad. Two minutes earlier he could have earned that other giant slice of free pizza. He slid over to the window in front of me and continued knocking until his eyes locked in on mine.

I put a big smile on my face, tipped my pizza at him and took a big old bite and laughed aloud while I chewed. Physically upset by this gesture, EX Jr. punched the window of Huskies Pizza and stormed off screaming and swearing into the distance.

I finished my meal and headed back just in time for the start of the Pimps.

"That girl looked like the first half of an A&E intervention."


(3 inspirations | inspire me)

Date:2008-03-05 01:06
Subject:Boy Decide.

"You’re too old to fuck around and too young to die time to try a life on for size."

We blaze through the nights with a fire in our pits.
At least with one under our feet.
The smoke fills the air but we shield ourselves with trumpets and sass.
We scare people.

"Now the time it has come to pull yourself out of the mud and fix yourself up hell don’t you care how you look?"

I wear costumes.
I play the roles.
Two lives.
Increase the odds for success.

"You’re wasting away still alive digging a hole you can dive into when you get tired of fighting."


Greatest thing ever.
"You're welcome, internet."

(inspire me)

Date:2008-02-15 02:51
Subject:"He's gonna rue the day he came up against The Extreme, baby."

May 6th cannot come sooner.


(1 inspiration | inspire me)

Date:2007-09-30 01:22
Subject:robert skirvin is now my enemy.

I'm awake because I've been eating leftover Pizza Hut all day.

Margs and I got up early this morning to hit up an unusually large amount of late September garage sales so that I could buy myself some birthday gifts. And buy myself gifts did I.

Here is the list of treasures I got for under twenty bucks:
1991-1992 NBA Hoops basketball cards. Complete Sets 1&2 in a commemorative tin.
A Dominique Wilkins plastic figurine and two cards (still in package).
A Chicago Bears/Miller Lite glass just in time for football season.
...Also just in time to smash over Rex Grossman's head.
Multiple books including Animals, Letters From a Nut, some book about pranking telemarketers, a book about how rock 'n' roll is evil and only about sex and drugs and that God will hate you if you rock. Also a weird book full of mathematical equations and tables and charts which I plan on using to speed through my Econ506 homework.
A standard paper grocery bag full of goodies from a church rummage sale.
I bought two records from the shadiest people on Earth. Elvis Costello and the Attractions "Armed Forces" and the original Star Wars double album with all its inserts and poster in mint condition.
And finally, my favorite piece, a two by three foot, full-color, cardboard poster of a little panda bear eatin' some grass.

Hollywood video also sold me 8 solid 4M movies for 20 bones.

(2 inspirations | inspire me)

my journal